Monday, May 31, 2021

I’m Sorry Ms. Jackson

What has blown my mind about the whole Derrick Jackson situation is the willingness of conscious people to  ascribe any portion of blame to DaNaia Jackson for being cheated on. I have heard women and men clown her and denounce the way she dressed (in that Stand By Your Man hostage video). I have seen people say they would cheat too if their wife looked like that. People are equating her value or lack there of on her outward appearance. Never mind the fact that this man is a covert narcissist and is probably well aware that by his wife dressing that way it would garner him some modicum of sympathy from the black women he sells his books to. Mission accomplished.

People have been tying our value to perceived looks forever. The toxicity of visual valuation has long since sunken into our collective blood stream. I hope we can begin to wake up and relinquish this false method of valuation of human beings. People used (some still do) to tell women not to dress a certain way if we didn’t want to get raped. Today people are telling women to dress a certain way if we don’t want to get cheated on. Riddle me this, why did JayZ cheat on BeyoncĂ©? That woman was walking around looking like a whole goddess and that didn’t stop him from sticking his penis in other women. Maybe we should stop ascribing any portion of responsibility to the women who are cheated on. Maybe we should give the whole responsibility to the cheating spouse.
If you want to respect and protect black women, start by not making us responsible for the behaviors of others who abuse and mistreat us.

Appearances can be deceiving and I think that may have been the point. Mr. Jackson is master of deception, he is presently working his magic (in multiple ways) by getting a large portion of his audience to look away and focus on something other than his deceptive, predatory, and toxic behaviors. He is so good at it that everyone is overlooking his narcissistic abuse of his wife and other women. 

In the words of Derrick Jackson, Y’all let me know what you think in the comments. 

Friday, March 19, 2021

Admit. Atone. Ask.

There have been several recent incidents in the media that have me thinking about sincere apologies and patterns of behavior that belie it. 

Public apologies by public figures should first be to the individual(s) that they’ve wronged. If they first apologize to the public, they need your money or your attention (or both) and chances are, the apology is NOT sincere. We have seen it too many times, with celebrities, politicians, media figures and so on. They are trying to save a livelihood, not heal a rift. 

I do not actually care about drama with public figures of any kind. What I observe are patterns of behavior. We as the public/consumers of various things should be more discerning. When we recognize these patterns we won’t be taken in easily by people who deceive us, nor will we be be complicit in toxic patterns of behavior. Once we recognize it in one it’s easier to recognize it going forward (with practice). 

The first key is (of course) to not put individuals on pedestals, they are bound to fall. The second is observe if the behavior, are they taking actions to atone for their mistakes or jumping right to forgiveness? The third and I’m sorry to say, we cannot take everything at face value. There are many people who are very good at being deceptive and we must use discernment to determine if certain people further warrant our time and energy. 

Real reconciliation starts with these basic three elements: 1. Admit the mistake, 2. Atone for it. Be accountable for ones actions. 3. Ask for forgiveness. Just like in math, there is an order of operation. You cannot skip steps. When one does not first admit they did something wrong it is not an apology, there is still pride involve and there is no way beyond the first step without admission. If a person asks for forgiveness without admitting the mistake, simply ask, what are you asking forgiveness for? Or what are you apologizing for.m? Wash rinse repeat if they keep trying to skip ahead to forgiveness. 

This is applicable not just with public figures but in daily life, relationships, and social situations.  This awareness comes from years of direct personal experiences with people with people narcissistic behavior and clinically diagnosed narcissists. It also comes from my observances of many people over the years, public and private. 

There are far more narcissists amongst us than we are aware of and it is clear that social media has nurtured narcissistic behavior. We don’t have to be on guard but we certainly should be aware. I hope this helps. 

Sunday, March 7, 2021

Narcissists and the Root Chakra (Muladhara)

Yesterday I realized after a meditation on love that my ex destroyed my root chakra (figuratively speaking. You cannot destroy a Chakra but you sure can fuck it up). The root is the foundation. She always had to recalibrate me. After every big fight or break up, she wanted to have sex.  She was solidifying the trauma bond at the very root of it all.  Stability, Security, and Sensuality are all at the wheelhouse of the Root Chakra. Narcissists use sex as a weapon against their prey. It’s exactly how every narcissist gets in and demolishes the self esteem of their prey. If you destroy the foundation you get to rebuild it into whatever you want. 

All narcissistic people unconsciously know to attack the root chakra. If they can destroy your foundation and trauma bond you with sex it’ll be extremely hard to walk away because they have become your new foundation unbeknownst to us.  Goddamn. I feel like I am cracking the code vibrationally.

The key to keeping people safe from Narcs in the first place is protecting the root chakra. 

Use any of the affirmations below for support of your foundation after or during a relationship with a Narcissist. In time it will help.

Leave it at the Door

When I was a massage therapist, I used to say that my work was a one our vacation from my troubles. Each massage I would leave any worries at the door and focus solely on my client. Meditation is that for me. I have been a meditator for more than 20 years and I always learn something new, or go a little deeper with the things that I have learned over the years. When you sit to meditate, consider dropping your problems at the door. Remember, they will be there when you finish, so there’s no need to let them distract you in meditation. I know, easier said than done. But if you make this a practice, each and every meditation it will become easier and easier to cultivate this habit. 

Start now by visualizing yourself at the door of your meditation room. Say to yourself when you reach the threshold “I will leave my problems here no need to take them with me into meditation.” If problems don’t assail you during meditation, try the word “thoughts”. If various thoughts carry you all over the place during meditation and you find it difficult to calm the “monkey mind” substitute that word “thoughts” in the affirmation. Whatever it is that is a challenge during your meditation remind yourself before you begin to leave it at the door.