Wednesday, March 24, 2021

I’m Sorry Ms. Jackson

What has blown my mind about the whole Derrick Jackson situation is the willingness of consciousness people to  ascribe any portion of blame to DaNaia Jackson for being cheated on. I have heard women and men clown her and denounce the way she dressed (in that Stand By Your Man hostage video). I have seen people say they would cheat too if their wife looked like that. People are equating her value or lack there of on her outward appearance. Never mind the fact that this man is a covert narcissist and is probably well aware that by his wife dressing that way it would garner him some modicum of sympathy from the black women he sells his books to. Mission accomplished.

People have been tying our value to perceived looks forever. The toxicity of visual valuation has sunken into our collective blood stream. People used to tell women not to dress a certain way if we didn’t want to get raped. Today people are telling women to dress a certain way if we don’t want to get cheated on. Riddle me this, why did JayZ cheat on BeyoncĂ©? That woman was walking around looking like a whole goddess and that didn’t stop him from sticking his penis in other women. Maybe we should stop ascribing any portion of responsibility to the women who are cheated on. Maybe we should give the whole responsibility to the cheating husband.
If you want to respect and protect black women, start by not making us responsible for the behaviors of others who abuse and mistreat us.

Appearances can be deceiving and I think that may have been the point. Mr. Jackson is master of deception, he is presently working his magic (in multiple ways) by getting a large portion of his audience to look away and focus on something other than his deceptive, predatory, and toxic behaviors. He is so good at it that everyone is overlooking his narcissistic abuse of his wife and other women. 

In the words of Derrick Jackson, Y’all let me know what you think in the comments. 

Friday, March 19, 2021

Admit. Atone. Ask.

There have been several recent incidents in the media that have me thinking about sincere apologies and patterns of behavior that belie it. 

Public apologies by public figures should first be to the individual(s) that they’ve wronged. If they first apologize to the public, they need your money or your attention (or both) and chances are, the apology is NOT sincere. We have seen it too many times, with celebrities, politicians, media figures and so on. They are trying to save a livelihood, not heal a rift. 

I do not actually care about drama with public figures of any kind. What I observe are patterns of behavior. We as the public/consumers of various things should be more discerning. When we recognize these patterns we won’t be taken in easily by people who deceive us, nor will we be be complicit in toxic patterns of behavior. Once we recognize it in one it’s easier to recognize it going forward (with practice). 

The first key is (of course) to not put individuals on pedestals, they are bound to fall. The second is observe if the behavior, are they taking actions to atone for their mistakes or jumping right to forgiveness? The third and I’m sorry to say, we cannot take everything at face value. There are many people who are very good at being deceptive and we must use discernment to determine if certain people further warrant our time and energy. 

Real reconciliation starts with these basic three elements: 1. Admit the mistake, 2. Atone for it. Be accountable for ones actions. 3. Ask for forgiveness. Just like in math, there is an order of operation. You cannot skip steps. When one does not first admit they did something wrong it is not an apology, there is still pride involve and there is no way beyond the first step without admission. If a person asks for forgiveness without admitting the mistake, simply ask, what are you asking forgiveness for? Or what are you apologizing for.m? Wash rinse repeat if they keep trying to skip ahead to forgiveness. 

This is applicable not just with public figures but in daily life, relationships, and social situations.  This awareness comes from years of direct personal experiences with people with people narcissistic behavior and clinically diagnosed narcissists. It also comes from my observances of many people over the years, public and private. 

There are far more narcissists amongst us than we are aware of and it is clear that social media has nurtured narcissistic behavior. We don’t have to be on guard but we certainly should be aware. I hope this helps. 

Sunday, March 7, 2021

The Choice

I was recently there to support a love one through one of the most challenging decisions of her life. She had a very difficult choice to make. She had to decide if she was ready to become a mother. The answer to that question for her was a resounding NO. At 22 years old she had the understanding about herself and her present circumstances to know that brining another life into this world would present a hardship that neither she or the child were ready for.
My task was what to do and how to help. My family is full of women. Strong women. We all innately knew that she was not ready for that responsiblity so we all dealt with it in our own ways. I’m aunty action, so I jumped in my car and drove to Indiana to pick her up. Indiana is a state with restrictive abortion laws. I knew that the governor had signed a bill that forced women to pay for burial costs of a fetus if they had an abortion or miscarriage, so we drove back home to Michigan (I later found out that a federal judge haulted that law but there are other restricts so we just kept it moving). We came together as a family to support her through this emotional journey that many women before her had taken. I had no idea what to expect. I’ve never had an abortion. I’ve only been to an aborition clinic to have a preganancy test many years ago and for an annual exam. I had no idea what this would be like for her, her mother or myself.

As a loved one there to support someone, I could only imagine the frustration she felt, she shared it with me but again I can only somewhat know since this experience was hers alone. First of all there was a 24 hour waiting period. This means that if you are from out of state, then you must take extra time off work because you have to visit the clinic to sign a consent the day before having the procedure. They send you home with a stack of papers to read through. I’m no medical profession but I have taken anatomy classes and some of the realisitic images that they gave of the fetus at the different stages of gestation were to be honest not accurate. Some of the pictures were too advanced for the stages of gestation. Especially early on. When I was pregnant (many years ago) I used to get weekly emails of what the fetus looked like each week and it was a while until that alien phase passed to almost human, that was not refelcted in the state mandated paperwork that she was given. It honestly felt like a guilt trip with inaccuarte information to sway women into keeping a child that they may not be ready for for a multitude of reasons.
The day of the clinic visit, you’re expected to wait between 6 and 8 hours to complete the process and procedure. The strange thing is that the paperwork they give you to take home says that the abortion itself takes 15-20 minutes. So why the all day wait? I’m still not sure. In all honesty it feels like a deterrent. There are literally about 8 to 10 trips back and forth before you see the doctor. They call the patient back to sign papers and then back to the waiting room. You’re required to have counseling then they sit you back in the waiting room. You go get your vitals taken. Then back to the waiting room. You go watch a video, the back to the waiting room. You go have an ultrasound then back to the waiting room. In her case she had to have a second ultrasoudn then back to the waiting room. Then a confirmation of something and back to the waiting room. Then a different vital check and back to the waiting room. It’s like torture really. Each time you go back you think it’s the time to finally lie on the table and begin the procedure (which in and of itself makes one who has never been through this terrified). Each time, there’s a build up like this day, this process, this stress, the pain, the morning sickness, the potential life long connection to this emotionally abusive person is almost over, and then it’s yanked away yet again. I wondered if this is state mandated or if the clinic themselves come up with this onerous process.
I brought her home from the hospital after she was born. She was a premature baby so she had to spend 2 months in the hospital in an incubator hooked up to machines to be healthy enough to live in the world on her own. I thought a lot about that during this process. Who knew 22+ years ago that we would be here. Her mom, her and I again, waiting to take her home.

She was tearful. But she was resolute that this was the best decision for her. I wonder how many other women leave clinics because of the tedious process that plays on their emotions. I have to be honest. By the 8th trip I was frustrated, I went to the window and asked what was taking so long and why did the apointment begin at 9:20am only for us to all still be sitting there at 1:30pm. I was told that a lot of people decided to come in that day. And that there was only one doctor. But from the postings on the wall I could tell that this process was the every day normal process. I don’t know how women do it. It’s not easy as a bystander. I felt a bit of anxiety and often found myself getting out of my seat and walking the hallways. In the end she knew what she had to do, and so did we. As a loved one I just wanted to love and nurture and listen to her. That’s what I felt like I was able to do. My heart goes out to all women who are making The Choice. I am grateful that abortion is still safe and legal and relatively affordable. My concerns is that the emotional toll of the day with the process is more frustrating than it needs to be and as laws become more restrictive there will be more patients in need than medical health professionals there to help them. There is no training in medical school for abortion, doctors and nurses have to learn by training at clinics. This means that abortion care providers are few and far between and the cost can be prohibative to many women especially if you factor in the many women who don’t have access to a clinic and have to travel far, good luck if they have a job and or children. In Michigan 95% of abortion providers are located in the southeastern part of the state. That means that women who live in the state have to travel anywhere from 4 to 10 hours one way to get abortion services. This is what happens when we elect people to office who think that it is their right to curb ours based on thier ideology or religion. We are lucky at this point that doctors and women are not faced with criminal charges, though they keep trying to push for it. Abortion is something that makes women happy to do. Not one women was in that clinic yucking it up, but it is sometimes necessary. Us having the ability to determine when we are ready to take on the ultimate responsibilty of bringing life into the world is vital. Statistics show that many of us end up doing it on our own at some point so shouldn’t we alone have the right to determine if and when that time comes? I think so. No. I know so.

Narcissists and the Root Chakra (Muladhara)

Yesterday I realized after a meditation on love that my ex destroyed my root chakra (figuratively speaking. You cannot destroy a Chakra but you sure can fuck it up). The root is the foundation. She always had to recalibrate me. After every big fight or break up, she wanted to have sex.  She was solidifying the trauma bond at the very root of it all.  Stability, Security, and Sensuality are all at the wheelhouse of the Root Chakra. Narcissists use sex as a weapon against their prey. It’s exactly how every narcissist gets in and demolishes the self esteem of their prey. If you destroy the foundation you get to rebuild it into whatever you want. 

All narcissistic people unconsciously know to attack the root chakra. If they can destroy your foundation and trauma bond you with sex it’ll be extremely hard to walk away because they have become your new foundation unbeknownst to us.  Goddamn. I feel like I am cracking the code vibrationally.

The key to keeping people safe from Narcs in the first place is protecting the root chakra. 

Use any of the affirmations below for support of your foundation after or during a relationship with a Narcissist. In time it will help.

Leave it at the Door

When I was a massage therapist, I used to say that my work was a one our vacation from my troubles. Each massage I would leave any worries at the door and focus solely on my client. Meditation is that for me. I have been a meditator for more than 20 years and I always learn something new, or go a little deeper with the things that I have learned over the years. When you sit to meditate, consider dropping your problems at the door. Remember, they will be there when you finish, so there’s no need to let them distract you in meditation. I know, easier said than done. But if you make this a practice, each and every meditation it will become easier and easier to cultivate this habit. 

Start now by visualizing yourself at the door of your meditation room. Say to yourself when you reach the threshold “I will leave my problems here no need to take them with me into meditation.” If problems don’t assail you during meditation, try the word “thoughts”. If various thoughts carry you all over the place during meditation and you find it difficult to calm the “monkey mind” substitute that word “thoughts” in the affirmation. Whatever it is that is a challenge during your meditation remind yourself before you begin to leave it at the door.